Todd's Unifying Theory of Pointless Human Behaviour, Part 1

A compendium of laws, axioms, principles and other scientific‑sounding nonsense explaining how humans actually behave

The world of science has produced countless frameworks for understanding the universe. There are laws, axioms, principles, postulates, hypotheses, corollaries, maxims, and universal truths. Most of us treat these terms as interchangeable, but each carries its own distinct flavour — a different intellectual “shape.”

In the spirit of faux-academia, and with absolutely no peer review whatsoever, I present Todd’s Unifying Theory of Pointless Human Behaviour: a collection of rigorously unscientific observations about how humans actually conduct themselves.

Of course, just as Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz independently developed calculus, it is entirely possible that somewhere out there exist other cranky curmudgeons with nothing better to do than codify their daily annoyances into principles that sound suspiciously like mine.

Whatever.

I can only say that every one of these entries has sprung forth from my addled brain at some point, and I hereby lay claim to all of them. Let the timestamp of this article’s publication serve as my official record of observation, description, and naming rights.

Full disclosure: these are not grand truths about physics or the universe. You will not achieve enlightenment or learn anything particularly useful by reading further, beyond, perhaps, the occasional moment of “Yeah… I’ve seen this before.”

1. Axiom of Perpetual Paternal Payment

Once a father becomes the designated payer — for meals, outings, vacations, spontaneous coffees, or anything involving a bill arriving at a table — this responsibility persists indefinitely, irrespective of the financial status of his offspring.

No formal ceremony marks the occasion. One day you’re paying for your daughter’s Frappuccino. The next, society has updated the terms and conditions of your financial responsibilities to include the clause “This Agreement shall continue in perpetuity.”

It’s irrevocable. The day you pay for the first lunch is the day you become the funding model for everything.

And it's non-negotiable, both in terms of the designation itself and the scope of expenses it somehow comes to include.

Because, unlike government programs that are subject to income testing to determine qualification, the perpetual paternal payment benefit is not.

It’s not even reviewed by a 10-year-old with a working understanding of arithmetic and negative numbers.

No.

The father’s obligation to foot the bill remains, even if dear ol’ Dad has less money in his TFSA than the kid has nestled in the cushions of their couch — which Dad purchased as well.

In multi‑generational gatherings, the responsibility escalates upward. The most senior father present (grandfather, great‑grandfather, etc.) becomes the designated payer.

Classification: Axiom

A self‑evident truth accepted without proof.

2. The Behavioural Reflection Blind Spot Maxim

The deliberate return of another person's irritating behaviour seldom produces self-awareness and frequently triggers blame transfer.

I used to be a firm believer that the best form of behaviour modification came from giving people a taste of their own medicine.

Because when you reflect their own annoying behaviour back at them, it is almost certain to trigger a lightning-bolt moment of self-awareness and personal growth, right?

Where they say: “Wait a minute…this guy’s behaviour is really annoying…but it’s exactly the same thing I just did to him! Oh no! I need to change!”

Right?

Ummmm…nope.

In practice, that almost never works.

In fact, not only will they fail to recognize their own behaviour when it is spoon-fed back to them, but they will frequently conclude that you are the jerk.

After all, who treats people like that?

So, in the cruelest of ironies, they typically determine not that they have behaved poorly, but that you have.

And all you were trying to do was help them become a better person.

By passive-aggressively treating them like dirt — which, in fairness, is how they treated you first.

And while you may view this as a lost opportunity for personal growth for someone else, perhaps the real growth comes from realizing that people are stubborn, flawed, and largely immune to evidence.

But you? You're perfect!

Classification: Maxim

A concise rule of conduct expressing a general behavioural truth.

3. The Amazon Afterthought Theorem

The likelihood of remembering essential items needed from Amazon increases exponentially immediately after an order has been placed.

During the days or weeks spent preparing the order, the brain remains incapable of recalling any genuinely important item that can be ordered at the same time. Only after clicking “Place Order” does the missing necessity reveal itself with perfect clarity.

Remarkably, this revelation never occurs while browsing products, reviewing the cart, comparing delivery dates, or examining the order summary one final time before checkout. It occurs only after payment has been processed and any possibility of combining purchases into a single shipment has been permanently eliminated.

In severe cases, the forgotten item is the very reason the Amazon order was started in the first place.

Classification: Theorem

A proposition demonstrated to be true based on previously established principles.

4. The Amazon Cart Contamination Corollary

If an Amazon cart contains multiple items prior to checkout, seemingly in violation of the Amazon Afterthought Theorem, then those items are unlikely to represent genuine necessity.

This creates an apparent contradiction. The brain cannot remember replacement furnace filters, printer ink, batteries, or Scotch tape. Yet it demonstrates flawless recall when confronted with bacon-flavoured toothpaste, an inflatable unicorn horn for your cat, or a vegetable spiralizer.

It’s not that you’re experiencing a memory failure. It’s more like your brain is allocating resources based on priorities that no responsible adult would endorse.

Because as much as you want to convince yourself that the only thing standing between you and a healthy lifestyle is the lack of Slinky-shaped zucchini on your dinner plate, it’s not.

Together, the Amazon Afterthought Theorem and the Amazon Cart Contamination Corollary form a complete behavioural cycle:

Pre‑order: accumulation of useless crap.

Post‑order: remembrance of necessity.

Result: a second Amazon order.

Classification: Corollary

A proposition that follows directly from a proven statement with little or no additional proof.

5. The C.R.O.W. Postulate

The Consequences Resulting from Overlooked Warnings Postulate states that humans have an extraordinary ability to ignore warnings right up until the moment the warning becomes reality.

The C.R.O.W. Postulate has been observed in everything from construction projects and financial planning to personal relationships and parenting.

But if you're looking for the one place where it can truly call home, you need look no further than software development, where it has taken up a residency like Wayne Newton at The Flamingo.

For example, concerns raised by a software developer during the design phase — like warnings about edge cases, architectural flaws, business-rule conflicts, or simply "this is not going to work the way you think" — will inevitably be shrugged off, only to manifest after deployment.

As a computer programmer, I can state with some authority that this postulate forms the very foundation of software-related suffering.

In many cases, developer concerns are ignored because nobody bothered to ask for them in the first place.

That said, the good thing is that the first consultation generally takes place shortly after the predicted failure has already occurred. Better late than never, I guess.

What makes this postulate remarkable is not merely that the predicted problem occurs. It is that the problem typically occurs in precisely the manner described, often using examples supplied when it was first raised.

And although busting out the “I told you so” lecture when things do turn south would be personally fulfilling, what good would it really do? Let’s face it, as smug as you’d like to be, watching them eat C.R.O.W. is only going to be satisfying until you realize you’re probably going to be the one who has to clean up the mess.

Classification: Postulate

An assumption accepted as a starting point for reasoning.

Closing Thoughts… For Now

So what have we learned?

Apparently, not much.

Humans will continue to forget what they need, remember what they don't, ignore warnings, misunderstand their own behaviour, and place another Amazon order to correct the first one.

And fathers will continue to pay for things.

Taken individually, none of these observations is particularly remarkable.

Taken together, however, they suggest that human behaviour may be governed by a set of rules that are universal in their application and entirely pointless in their reason for being.

I believe that qualifies as a theory.

Whether it qualifies as a unifying theory remains open to debate. To some, perhaps.

But I have already written about it and designated it as such.

So it's as close to settled science as you're gonna get.

The remaining observations necessary to complete the theory will be presented in due course.

Like what you read? I write, rewrite, overthink, rewrite again, and eventually post these things in hopes they resonate. If something struck a chord, sparked an idea, or — most importantly — made you laugh, please drop a comment below. Sarcasm is welcome, cruelty is not. So be honest, and be nice. It’s possible to do both.

And if you'd like to support the effort (or just bribe me to keep going), you can buy me a coffee. No pressure — but caffeine is a powerful motivator.

Full disclosure: you can’t actually make me buy a coffee with your donation. I might use it for a beer instead.